Peace Candle

I have this thing called a Happiness Mountain. Here's how it works: I have all different coloured candles and they represent different forms of happiness.

RED = Friendship
PINK = Love
WHITE = Peace
GREEN = Learning
BLUE = Loyalty
YELLOW = Joy
ORANGE = Adventure
PURPLE = Passion

Every time I feel happy, I categorize it for my Happiness Mountain. Then I burn whichever coloured wax onto a pie plate and watch my mountain grow and grow. It's small now because I only just started and I haven't had much reason to light a candle in the past while. I'm really glad I was finally able to remove the wrapping off of my peace candle because that is what I've wanted for so long. Just a little bit of peace. A piece of mind.

I went over to Dima's house this afternoon and all the way until 11:30 tonight. I met her at Eunice's and even though we don't get to talk much at work I just really thought she was great and she wanted to have real talks with me too. (I take over her shift at work so we're only together for a half an hour three days a week.) Dima is like no other person I know. She's 23, has a husband, two children, moved to Canada a year ago with scarcely anything but the clothes on her back, lived in the US for five years and left everything she had built up there and before that she left her home in Syria where few people approved of her marriage and where to this day her husband's parents want nothing to do with her or their children.

She told me many stories all afternoon, and they came with lessons and advice. Lately, I've been getting many "bits of advice" from friends and family but none have been quite like Dima's. All of my friends have gone straight to Post-Secondary education after finishing high school. That's strange, I think. I can't imagine how all of them felt that they knew what their future career could be... I certainly did not. I took a different path, and signed up for an alternative learning experience. So did Dima, but what she lived was something that I could only dream of being capable of. And she did it when she was 16! I hung on to every word she said. She just has this way of sharing her wisdom in a simple way and without sounding pushy. She helped me to see things like I had never seen them, and her bottom line was basically that life is just life and if you don't stop worrying and start living it, when will you?

I felt comforted the moment I stepped into her apartment. She was so hospitable-- she made this great bean and tomato dish that we had to eat from pita bread in our hands, and kept offering me tea. She introduced me to a fruit I don't like, and offered me everything. I played with her kids (mostly with Aya, her 4 year old daughter whom she compares to ten boys) and saw that she had such a beautiful life. I am so glad I went today and I'm looking forward to spending more time with her. She's not that much older than I am but it feels like she is. I've never had a friend with two children and a husband and her own apartment before. It makes me feel older too. I feel older anyways, older than last year at this time. I grew a lot over the past year and I have to let myself continue to grow. Everything I have been doing lately is stunting me.

I have wanted to get out of this skin I've outfitted myself in for so long, but I've let tiredness and sadness control me. But I won't even let the guilt I feel from my friends control me anymore. I will try my best to remain in contact with them, but if our differences don't get solved then maybe the situation is not mine to change. Older friends (Anita, Dima, Laura, Seb) have told me over and over that friendships -especially the ones made during high school- fade naturally as we grow and change. Things that we had in common just don't stick around in this stage of our lives when everything changes. True friends are those who support and let live. That's what I want to be. And I'm not worried about making friends anymore, because I know I will have some when I need them. People are placed in and out of our lives in times of need. By God.

Dima works through her day with God. I want to also. I prayed today on the bus home for the first time in weeks and it was a lot easier and liberating than I thought. I see now that I have over-complicated things. I still need to work hard, but I will get through this. I need to think like I've never thought before. I need to set some goals as well.

I want to be with Seb. He wants to study in Winnipeg next year and asked me to come with him. I said I didn't want to be the girl that follows him. But why shouldn't I follow him? He could quite possibly be my future, my husband and my support. I should be there for him and let him be there for me. I knew when I got home in June that things around here felt funny and that I wanted to get away again. There is nothing stopping me from going to be with him, except for my guilt. But my future doesn't lie in friends who are busy with school and their social lives. I have a love who lives so far away from me and I just want to deepen our relationship. Family and true friends are constant, and just because I go to Winnipeg doesn't mean I leave them. I have to go for myself, and that's wonderful.

Although, all of this and any move I make takes critical thinking. I have to start using what God's put into me and quit my crying. I want to be strong again, and Dima thinks I will be. Through all the pain I've felt I have to be amazed at the goodness of God to me. I don't always see it, but tonight I felt it.